I’d forgotten how I first felt about My Year of Rest and Relaxation when I finally read it last spring. Eileen had been on my hope-to-get-to-but-failed list a few years before that and I had been really looking forward to My Year. Then, around the time I found myself a few chapters in, I couldn’t help but feel my head was all in the wrong place to appreciate that book. Finally, probably 200 pages in, I captured the thread, went back to the beginning and found it to be thoroughly engrossing all the way to the end. I still think about it and will reread it one day.

Beginning Death in Her Hands was much the same experience. I got through a hundred pages or so, disliking the narrator, disliking the voice, disliking nearly everything about it, when suddenly it just clicked, and yes, once again, I flipped back to the beginning and started over.
I have spent quite a bit of time wondering what it was I found so off-putting about My Year – yes, I wouldn’t mind giving up reading about privileged young people, please; yes, I worry that the patriarchy has dented my brain into one that wants female authors, female narrators, female characters, to be somehow immediately likable (I do think I’m winning) – but it is something else.
Ottessa Moshfegh’s characters seem, on first glance, to lack the depth to be interesting or worthy of compassion. But then, as the story begins to unfold, a realization creeps in that despite all the things that are difficult to like, despite their deep flaws and how completely unreliable they are, the things they are up to are also utterly compelling. It’s a slow burn for me, and I guess takes me a while to get there.
So what is this book? Is it a murder mystery, a twist on the “cozy whodunit”, told by a narrator who creates something like one out of the clues she discovers (in some cases, perhaps) or conjures out of her imagination (and frankly the line is unclear between the two activities)? Is it the story of an elderly woman going out of her mind after a winter’s isolation in the country following her overbearing husband’s death? You know, provided any of that stuff is real?
Much of this novel seemed to speak most directly to the part of my brain that is currently engaged in trying to figure out what it is a writer does when creating fiction, or perhaps it is more accurate to say, is noticing what it feels like to create fiction. I’ve been writing consistently since last fall after a break of many years, am on my second manuscript (the first one finished and without enough merit to make it past the first draft stage), so believe me when I say I couldn’t help but occasionally sense a similarity in the progressively claustrophobic, increasingly hopeless narrative Vesta builds into the world around her. You begin with anything in the world being possible. You end forced to kill your dog. (Again, maybe.)
About Death in Her Hands I would say the same thing as My Year of Rest and Relaxation – I’ve never connected so well with a book that I couldn’t help but suspect I didn’t like during most, or at least some, of the reading. I’ve recommended My Year to plenty of friends and have no doubt I’ll do the same with Death in Her Hands. But I have to acknowledge that I own things similar to the uncomfortable, unpleasant but entirely familiar, emotions this book dredges up in me. Remarkable, disquieting stuff.











